Father of the Year Moment #598: 🎵I Play Pokémon E-ver-y day🎶

Me: (suddenly) Get in the van!

Son: Why?

Me: Team Rocket is invading a Pokestop and we have to stop them.

Son: What? Really?

Me: Do you want to be home alone?! Van! Now!

We stopped them together.

*If you are not playing Pokémon go with your child, you’re missing out!

Father of the Year Moment #789: Sir Swag the Second…

Here ye’…

Here ye’…

I will give my first-born boy his first hair brush! He will be knighted in a formal ceremony and given his weapon to be used only for good. Those with melanin know how big of a responsibility this is.

Go forth son, and slay!

Father of the Year Moment #339 – Papá es un Asno:

How do I keep my kids’ greedy-ass palms off of my food?

M&M’s

Jalapeño M&M’s

Father of the Year Moment #49: Shopping For a Car Seat

Seat #1:

Positive – Comfortable

Negative – Buckles contain lead

Seat 2:

Positive – Ease of use

Negative – Too big to see out of the rear view mirror

Seat 3:

Positive – The “name your website/magazine/report” seal of approval

Negative – cannot remove belts or cushion. If your child pukes in the seat, good luck.

Seat 4:

Positive – Safest in all crash tests

Negative – Welts on the skin from an unknown source.

Seat 5:

Recalled

Seat 6:

Recalled

Seat 7:

$500.00 (no thanks)

So, buying a car seat is really about picking the best of the worst, right.

Full Circle

When I was younger, Powerwheels was the toy that I wanted. Every Christmas I would wish for one, and every Christmas I was disappointed. I vowed that my children would have one. Twenty years later, the price shot up to 300+ dollars and I have 3 kids. Do the math.

The other day, Heather informed me that she saw one on Facebook classifieds for $100.00. Before I could say I wanted it, she said, “The money is in my purse.”

Be jealous, gentlemen. I’m lucky.

Cut the cord, Son…

Damn, son. Cut the cord!

Anatomy of a Shit-Show

4:15: saw weatherman on television.

4:20: walked outside. Seems okay.

4:25: called wife and told her not to drive home. (did not listen).

4:30: thought, “maybe I should get the girls from daycare.” Walk outside. Not so good anymore.

4:32: get to end of street. Is that the siren?

4:34: pick girls up. More like, “get your asses in the car,”

4:36: almost make it to two streets when the traffic stops and the wind picks up 25 ft in front of the car. Can’t see past the wall of wind. Crap self.

4:38: hail on the car. middle of street u-turn. Not so funny anymore girls, is it?

4:40: reach daycare. Spending time with children. Check underwear; we’re good.

I questioned my residency today. If I were back in Alaska, the story would have ended a long time ago with – earthquake stops.

Father if the Year Moment #444 – The Secret of the Ooze

I introduced him to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon (90’s version, of course), and now he won’t stop singing “Teenage nin-nane Ninja Turtles!” (The only verse he knows) while swinging a rubber band cord.

Father of the year moment #111: psych!

For the first year or so of My Daughter’s life, we had her convinced that rice cakes were cookies. Thanks to Our Daycare Provider and her grandmother (both of whom can bake way too well), we had no such luck with #2. But Oedipus –now he is convinced.

Look at him, he thinks he is getting away with murder.