How do I keep my kids’ greedy-ass palms off of my food?
M&M’s
Jalapeño M&M’s
Father of the Year Moment #339 – Papá es un Asno:
Father of the Year moment #66:
On the way home from track practice:
“You know when you get back, you have to go to bed.”
“No! I am not tired.”
“Yes you are! You won’t last the drive back.”
“Okay, I will make you a deal. If I am awake when we get to the house, then I get to stay up a little longer.”
“You won’t, but fine!”
(5 minutes later)
“Still up!”
(I turn the heat to 80 degrees)
(10 minutes later, I see her head shoot straight up)
“Still up!”
(I turn the radio to classical music – aaaand done)
1-0
BTW: She was not in this position the entire time.
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School of Agriculture Fail
While playing with the Little People Farm set…
“Hey, son, what animal is this?”
“Horse.”
“And this?”
“Cow.”
“What about this?”
” A Boka-Bok.”
“Hmmm… No, this is a chicken.
“Okay.”
Highly amused, but concerned, Heather decides to join in:
“Buddy, what is this?”
“Boka-bok!”
Well, shit.
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My Oldest Daughter Gives Me This Poem as a Gift:
“Wow, this is nice.”
“Good. It took me a lot of time to find it.”
(puzzled) “Find it?”
“Yea! You did not think I wrote that myself did you?”
(Still puzzled)
“There is no way I can write like that. (Proud) But I found it on the Internet!”
Plagiarism? Really?! Her parents are English teachers. What will the neighbors think?!
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Ten things I learned today about my kids and the Super Nintendo Classic:
1. They are spoiled brats.
2. It is amazing they have friends. If I were their age, I would not be their friend.
3. “Dad! How do you play?!” Seriously! Mash buttons until you get it. How helpless can you get?
4. “This looks funny!” Yeah, well, it was made in 1991. By the way, you look funny!
5. “Dad! Something is wrong!” Yeah it says “press start”.
6. “This cord is too short.” Sit on the damn floor like normal children.
7. It is a two-player game; that just means we take turns playing.
8. It is a two-player game; get out of my space.
9. It is a two-player game; we are not on the same team, we are fighting each other.
10. His name is Yoshi; he is not a horse! No, I don’t know why a dinosaur is in the game!
UffdaBlack - Adventures in Parenting 