UffdaBlack – Adventures in Parenting
A diary of a black man raising kids in a place he never thought he would call home…
Me: (suddenly) Get in the van!
Son: Why?
Me: Team Rocket is invading a Pokestop and we have to stop them.
Son: What? Really?
Me: Do you want to be home alone?! Van! Now!
We stopped them together.
*If you are not playing Pokémon go with your child, you’re missing out!
Here ye’…
Here ye’…
I will give my first-born boy his first hair brush! He will be knighted in a formal ceremony and given his weapon to be used only for good. Those with melanin know how big of a responsibility this is.
Go forth son, and slay! 
Sorry, but you are that kid.
You are the kid that never has any fun.
You are the kid that does not have to newest gadgets.
You are the kid that has to check in all of the time.
Sorry, Kid, but your Dad is an asshole.
It is not that I am trying to be mean to you, really it isn’t. It is the fact that I believe that everything should come in its own time. You do not have to grow up too fast, you do not have to get everything quickly, and you do not have to make the right decisions all of the time. And that is the thing, you are not equipped to handle a society that will hold you accountable for your actions. You are not equipped for a society that will record you, store the video, and bring it out to use against you thirty years later when you are being considered for a career. The world is not that same as it was 10 or 20 years ago – the level of personal accountability has been heightened.
You want to be out a few more hours past curfew? No!
You want to host a sleepover? Uh-uh.
You want the newest cell phone? HELL NO!
I am sorry that you have to be asked, “What’s with your dad?” or “Why is he so mean?” On second thought, screw that – I am not sorry. I am not their parent!
You have parents who are highly involved in your life, you Lucky Duck. I cannot control what you do when you leave the nest; but, I hopefully have some sort of influence on how you choose to live your life after you leave it. I am your parent and I take that role seriously because I have a sole duty to society to place a responsible, resilient, and reliable person who carries my last name amongst the community.
It may seem like I am doing this to punish you; but, believe it or not, I am doing this our of love.
And some fear. Lots of fear.
Fear of you being in the headlines. Fear of being a part of a scandal. And I’ll admit — fear of someone saying, “Where were the parents?”
Think of your mother’s heart.
Now, go play outside and have your ass in here before the street lights come on.
Prerequisite: Watch the Blackish Episode “Chop Shop”
Today, my kids experienced something that took them out of their comfort zone. Something that is their birthright. Something that I got to experience as a child and hold dear to me to this day. Today, I took the kids to The Barber Shop.
We are not talking to any barber shop. No. We are talking about Thee Barber Shop. A place that is a staple in the community. A place where people congregate to talk about a plethora of topics that may have nothing to do with hair – regardless of education (or actual knowledgebase of any particular subject). A place that is the center of fashion, social status, and well-being. A place where it is okay to own your individual style (especially if you are able to take some shit from everyone because of that style).
What my kids walked into that day was a venue like no other. They had no idea of the type of culture that existed in front of them. Laughter, loudness, languages, and hair. Braids, tapers, edges, fades, and braids. Hair lotions, spritzes, sprays, and gold chains. The smell of burnt African ancestral hair everywhere. They stood there, looking around – astonished and wide-eyed. And I, well I stood there like a proud father who had just walked his kids into Disneyland.
A taste of my childhood.
As per custom, simply walking into The Shop initiated the rituals of salutations – Acknowledging everyone in the building. There were enough pounds, head nods, daps, points in the direction of, and “wassups” to go around. As I turned around, I noticed the look on my kids’ faces, they now saw me as some type of celebrity.
“Do you even know these people?”
“Some. But that doesn’t matter when you are in The Shop. Everyone gets some sort of acknowledgement.”
Shocked.
We managed to find a place to sit down. As usual the place was damn-near standing room only.
“Walk in, or appointment?”
“Appointment.”
You damn right appointment. I sure-as-shit know better than to walk in an establishment such as this without an appointment unless I had half of the day to wait for an open seat. Don’t get me wrong, if you got the time, the barbershop is the place to sit and bullshit and/or catch the game, whether you need a haircut that day or not was of no importance. The wait was well worth it if you had a favorite barber. Plus, that kind of wait speaks to the quality of the shop. Longer wait = better haircuts.
“Dad, why do you have a winter cap on your head?”
I believe that this would be the perfect time for us to discuss barber shop etiquette. When at the shop, you:
“Shut up!”
“It’s because your hairline is messed up, isn’t it?”
She got me.
I was not going to honor that with an answer. She knew what the problem was. The asshole smirk she gave me — my asshole smirk that I give out regularly — was very telling.
My son was called up to his seat. Having had his hair cut before at this shop, he was somewhat of a veteran.
Somewhat…
He was still clearly out of his element. Every time he would look up, he would give me a nervous half-smile as if he were saying, “I’m okay, I’m okay, I can do this…” But it seemed too much for his anxiety.
“Why is he making that face?”
“Shhhhh!”
Twenty minutes later – a quick cut by any means, being that hairline perfection and presentation is key, and conversations are to be had both by barber and those in the vicinity – my son hopped off from the chair with a fresh cut that made him look much older, and much cuter.
“Do you like it?
“Yup.”
“Can we go get ice cream now?”
He truly didn’t give a shit.
“Sure.”
And away we went.
As children, we believe that we are invincible. We think that we can do things without any kind of repercussions. Realistically, when we are younger, we can.
Climb a tree, fall, hurt, cry, get back up.
Ride a bike, miss the pedal, hit the middle bar, cry, get back up.
Rush down the stairs, fall, slide the rest of the way down, cry, get back up.
You get the picture.
But then comes a time when you are a tad bit less sharp than you were in years previous; where invincibility becomes mortality; where each ache is a reminder of what you did to your self and fleating youth.
For me, it started at age 33.
At 33, I discovered that there comes a time when you have to be more preventative with your care. I discovered that it would behoove you to listen to your body instead of trying to work through it. I discovered that my body would force me to take days off in order tto recover from what I put it through rather than going full bore all of the time.
At age 33, my back when out.
Look, I would see the family television shows where the father’s back would go out and he would not be able to stand straight up causing him to go throughout his day hunch over for the entire episode. I thought, “There is no way in the hell he can’t just straighten out his back. What a wimp!”
And then it happened to me.
I was the father of a three-year-old and a baby. The family had just returned home from watching a local varsity basketball game at the high school. It was late, and I was putting the baby to bed. As I gently bent over the crib to place her down… It happened.
I was flat on the ground before I could brace myself.
I cannot explain the pain I was in (it was a lot), and I knew what had happened – I just don’t know why or how it happened. While bear crawling to my bed, I questioned everything about my body and its abilities, “How could this be?! I had never had a back problem in my entire life! I was in really good shape! My body has failed me! Is it normal for a 33 year old man to have a bad back?” What amazed me the most about this happening is that I never realized how much you depend on your back muscles for mobility. I learned that day. *side note: I got the chiropractor to write me a note saying that I was no longer medically cleared to change diapars. My wife failed to see the humor.
Speaking of humor, at age 35, I ruptured my Achilles tendon.
It happened during a pick-up basketball game with my students. One student challenged me to drive past him and go to the hole using my left hand. As a former jock, I am way too much of a “man” to not oblige him. I had always had a pretty good first step, so there was no way in the hell that this doofus was going to stop me.
He didn’t.
My Achilles did.
Surprisingly, there was no pain. Also surprisingly, my tendon did not recoil into my hamstring like I had heard. But, it was torn completely in half. Grabbing my ankle felt like grabbing my wrist. As I was sitting on the floor unable to stand, it hit me:
Holy shit, how was I going to explain this to Heather?
This is when the story gets good.
The first doctor – we will call Doctor Dumbass, diagnosed me with a serious ankle sprain. I politly informed her that she was wrong and that there was, in fact, no tendon attached. “Yeah, but you can move your toes.”
Dumbass.
So I went to a specialist. She looked at it, laughed at me and asked who diagnosed me. I told her. Without a word, she walked directly out of the room and closed the door.
Somebody got cursed out (I could hear her in the next room).
She comes in smiling: “Welp, we will schedule you for surgery next week.”
“Doc…uh…my son is due by C-section in two weeks.”
“Why wouldn’t he be.”
The surgery was scheduled that week. Post-surgery, I was not, under any circumstance, supposed to touch my foot to the ground. Let me set the stage for you (sans all of the curse words my wife enjoys using when telling this tale):
The day of my oldest son’s birth. My wife had to make sure that I was in the van and properly situated (I am in a soft cast and, remember, no touching my foot to the floor). When we arrived at the hospital, she dropped me off under the awning and parked the van, 100 feet away, while I found the nearest wheelchair. Then she wheeled me to the appointment desk:
“Sir, are you here to check in?”
“No, my pregnant wife.”
There was a look of utter disappointment and/or disgust of me from ever women within earshot. If those women could push my wheelchair down the steps, I believe they would have. It gets better. How? Well —
When it was time for my son to come out, my wife’s nurse wheeled me into the operating room while she walked.
Mic Drop.
Believe me, it is a much funnier story when she tells it; and, she loves to tell it when attending get-togethers where the women outnumber the men 3 to 1. Nothing I have done or will ever do will make up for it.
At age 38, I had figured by now that I should probably go for a yearly check-up. I had been doing a check-up for the last two years after I realized that, A) I have a mortgage, B) have 4 kids, C) have a family history of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and D) have proven to myself that my body is deteriorating. But this time, I had to do blood work. Simple enough, right. Yes. Until I saw the results:
My kidneys were not working at full capacity…
WTF!
That was not even on my radar.
“You should see the specialist.”
Shit.
So, there I am, three weeks later; sitting in the kidney specialist’s office. Wondering if I am going to be in dialysis within a year.
Note: For the love of God, do not interpret your results through WebMD. Ever. There are so many things you can die of. Don’t let fear be one of them.
“We will send your blood sample to Mayo Clinic for a more accurate test. I will message you when the results are in. Don’t worry.”
Hmmm… Ok. Wait. Shit. Mayo Clinic? Shit. Shit. Shit.
Results came in. Everything is normal. Great, I just almost crapped myself, but great.
So let’s review what we have learned here.
A couple of events happened to me this month that made me think twice about parenting in the age of technology:
First, I have noticed that three out of four of my children are entranced with their electronic devices. My son has found himself needing to check the status of his eggs and/or fight other creatures on a dragon game that he is playing. He is absolutely hooked. As soon as he gets home from school, he disappears. To where? Some corner of the house to be left alone until, hours later, he realizes that he has not eaten anything.
Daughter #1 is kicked back in her room watching stupid (so, so stupid) Youtube videos that challenge viewers not to laugh (I laugh) on her Ipod (Yes, an Ipod. She is the only one in her class that does not have a cell phone – and believe me, she is pissed; but that is for a different post). Meanwhile, Daughter #2 has watched every kid Netflix movie and/or show that ever created and has now started to re-watch them.
They are totally different people when those devices are in their hands. Heaven forbid their dear, loving parents ask them to do any chores. Those requests are met with tears, eyerolls, and under-breath mumbles as they begrudgingly fulfill their duties that are their only requirement to be granted sustenance, safety, and sustainability by us. I understand that there are stages of child development, but this seems like something more.
So, as a trained researcher, I take to the computer to do discover a fix. I know, How ironic — I use technology to fix the technology problem in my home. Save it. Anyway, I came across a multitude of research about both the positives and negatives of technology on children’s brains.1
So, what are you going to do about it, you ask?
I am going to take all of their devices away, at least for now. I’ll take charge of my household. I’ll show them.
Genius! On its face…
What ensues is both interesting and sad. My kids, as multi-talented as they come, had no idea what to do with themselves. Seriously! They either walked around the house like lost puppies trying to find their owner; or, they stared at us parents with those big, sad eyes that screamed, “Help us!” I did not know whether to feel sorry for them or send them to bed. Each suggestion we gave was met with wailing and the gnashing of teeth.
Luckily, by the end of the night, the drama subsided and they found marker and paper and started drawing, not well by any means, but drawing nonetheless.
The second event involved me stopping by the local hobby shop to look for a possible Christmas present for my son (Afro #3). When I walked in the store, I immediately knew that I was going to blow a lot of money. I was totally overtaken by nostalgia – remote control cars, boats, planes, slot cars, and model sets – all things that I grew up with. Things that defined my childhood!
THE THINGS THAT MADE ME THE NERD THAT I AM TODAY!
But, as I was reliving my childhood and contemplating my future credit card bill, I notice something – there were not many people in the store. In fact, for the thirty-or-so minutes that I was in the store, I had notice 3 other people (not counting me and the two employees) in the entire store. One of them, I am sure, walked in by mistake but pretended to look interested out of pity.
“Slow day?” I asked.
“This is how it has been since the ‘beep, boop, beep, craze.” (gyrating his thumbs in a Gameboy motion).
“Wow, that is sad. There is really a lot of cool stuff in here.”
“Yeah, these things are just not as popular as they used to be.”
It then hit me… My children have no hobbies for themselves. They don’t have that one thing that they depend on to keep them busy when they have nothing else to do and are bored.
If you are reading this article, you are most likely old enough to remember a time when your parents told you to “Go away and find something to do.” Full disclosure, I have not researched this thoroughly, but It seems as though our parents were giving us the gift of finding our inner nerd when they would tell us to “get out of their hair.”
Don’t act like I was the only one!
When my parents were too busy to entertain me, I built Legos, played with my action figures, delved into my collection of comic books, or played with my remote control/slot cars. All things that are not as popular now as they once were. But why? Where did all of the nerds go?
Did technology kill imagination? I mean… I don’t think so, but I do think that technology cannot survive without discipline. It seems that it is way more than a coincidence that my kids were hooked on technology and once that was taken from them, they were in a state of confusion.
Here is the conundrum:
Where is the balance?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Further Reading:
*https://www.wsj.com/articles/how-fortnite-triggered-an-unwinnable-war-between-parents-and-their-boys-11545397200?mod=e2fb
Family Picture Day x3
Sit down…
Quiet…
Stop it…
You better not…
I sweardagod…
Dammit…
Smile…
Hands down…
Sit straight…
What the…
Really…
Come on!
Please?
Arrrrrrg!
Repeat x3
Elapse time: 1 hour
Seat #1:
Positive – Comfortable
Negative – Buckles contain lead
Seat 2:
Positive – Ease of use
Negative – Too big to see out of the rear view mirror
Seat 3:
Positive – The “name your website/magazine/report” seal of approval
Negative – cannot remove belts or cushion. If your child pukes in the seat, good luck.
Seat 4:
Positive – Safest in all crash tests
Negative – Welts on the skin from an unknown source.
Seat 5:
Recalled
Seat 6:
Recalled
Seat 7:
$500.00 (no thanks)
So, buying a car seat is really about picking the best of the worst, right.
Remember Gentlemen, she never just wants her share, she wants yours too. This rings true for:
Covers
Attention
Money
Free time
Take out (which is why her order never turns out right, so she switches and you end up with yuk).
Blankets
Space
Clothes (yours are so comfortable)!
Pillows
Cologne
Etc.
What is all yours, you ask?
Whatever you can wipe your sweat on, she won’t dare touch it.
Top 10 reasons I fear for my life right now:
1. I am not pregnant.
2. I can sleep in whatever position I want.
3. I send my wife the weekly “Baby Center: Pregnancy this week” emails that I receive detailing the baby’s progress.
4. I coach football.
5. I breathe air.
6. When she is cooking and has a knife in her hand, I can feel her looking at me like, “Someday…:”
7. She takes my kids to their sporting events.
8. It is about that time in her pregnancy that I get hurt and need surgery.
9. Because we are due for a boy version of Claire.
10. Let’s face it, I am a Jackass.
Tips for many aspects of living
Dating, Poetry, and More
Commentary about those things I find interesting.
UffdaBlack - Adventures in Parenting 