My Buddy

“Father of the Year Moment #267: Raising a man.

This is my son’s doll. He is very protective of her and demands that she is in bed with him at night. I don’t care that he has a doll, I am just glad he has a sensitive side.

The ladies love a sensitive man.

Trust me.”

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This post from four years ago set off a friendly debate amongst people who read my social media post.

A little background:

Before my son was born, both of my daughters had an American Girl doll. They promised anything and everything to have one, and when they received it, my wife and I were the best parents ever. But soon after, as with all toys, they lost interest. Sure, they took it to bed with them at night, but months after purchase, it was not cared for with the same love that they once had.

Enter my son. He found the discarded doll and really took to her. He named her after a newborn who attended his same daycare. He took care of her and demanded that she be in bed with him at night.

I am not going to get deep into the whole men vs. women, boys vs. girls, gender roles arguments, but I did have some takeaways from witnessing this experience:

• It brought him closer to his mother: Every night when she would tuck him into bed. He would talk to her about his doll. She would talk to him about what his doll would like to do when they both woke up in the morning. She would talk to him about treating that doll with respect, often asking if that doll would appreciate him acting in a negative way.
• It prepared him for any future younger siblings/younger playmates at daycare: We were not sure if we were going to have any other kids (we did), but we did know that there were younger children at daycare. So, we used the doll as a tool to show him how to care for a baby. Many times, he would gently rock the doll to sleep, exclaiming, “It’s okay,” only to drop the doll on its head when he felt his job was complete minutes later. We were able to show him that a baby is something to be continuously cared for.
• It made him soft: Yes, I said soft. But really, what in the hell is wrong with that? There are definitely worse things that could happen to a young boy. I highly doubt that having a soft spot for a favorited doll is one of them.

 

Reflection: Glad that’s Over! (2 years ago)

Top 10 reasons I fear for my life right now:

1. I am not pregnant.

2. I can sleep in whatever position I want.

3. I send my wife the weekly “Baby Center: Pregnancy this week” emails that I receive detailing the baby’s progress.

4. I coach football.

5. I breathe air.

6. When she is cooking and has a knife in her hand, I can feel her looking at me like, “Someday…:”

7. She takes my kids to their sporting events.

8. It is about that time in her pregnancy that I get hurt and need surgery.

9. Because we are due for a boy version of Claire.

10. Let’s face it, I am a Jackass.

When it is your birthday…

…but your wife is savage.

Father of the Year Moment #104 – Plumbers Crack:

Hearing a juicy burp from Reese, I quickly survey the scene looking for any remnants. Thirty seconds later, I feel wetness going down the small of my back. “I couldn’t be sweating, could I?

Nope.

Father of the Year Moment # 667 – Nants ingonyama bagithi baba!:

There will be no more “Lion Kinging” This beast!

I now have to shower.

He spit up on me…

On my face.

He thinks that shit is funny.

I am traumatized.

“Pull!” Or “Shot down – again.”

Back when my wife was pregnant for the 3rd time…

In the doctor’s office:

Me: Man, there are no men’s pregnancy magazines. I should make one that deals with men issues.

Heather: There is one.

D: Really?

H: Yeah, it’s called “shut the hell up!”

Nurse: Good one!

Did I mention that she absolutely loved pregnancy.

Appetite Suppressant

After 4 kids, it is amazing that I even eat mustard anymore.

Yup, I went there.

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Oedipus Rex

Flippin’ momma’s boy!

He always gives me the look that says, “Yeah, you were the man of the house, but not anymore!”

Father of the Year Moment #126: 2 hands, 4 kids

How I got through the day with my sanity intact:

Step one: pick up neighborhood kids. It does not matter which kids; it may be random. Pick up as many that can legally fit in your car, or van, or SUV. Shit, contemplate renting a bus.

Step two: throw your infant in the back with random kids so you can drive around while they go sledding/skating/hockey playing in nearest park. You will get to know the neighborhood extremely well; may be a little too well. Say statements to yourself like, what in the Sam Hell were they thinking painting that house that color?

Step three: Drive around in circles so that your infant may sleep. Do you have to pee? Oh well, that’s called sacrifice. Am I wasting gas? A better question is, is my kid sleeping? Yes! We call that success.

Step four: Let your wife run errands and go shopping with just one kid; let her pick which kid. She will think it is Christmas all over again! You will redeem yourself for the shitty jewelry you picked out in past Christmases. Yes Heather, I know you did not like it.