I debated writing this, but, in the end, I think it is more important to share. Don’t judge me!
I have come to a pivotal point in my life. I did not know that I would get to this moment, and it came on suddenly. In fact, it came on so sudden that it took me by surprise. What happened, you ask?
My oldest daughter told me that my help was no longer needed during her basketball games.
I was not surprised that I was told that my help was no longer needed; it was the manner in which it was done.
I will provide some context:
I have been my daughter’s coach since she was able to run. I have been her basketball coach since she could pick up a ball. Playing basketball and learning new skills has been a part of our relationship – a bonding point between us. Like other kids who have played on a team coached by a parent, we had our ups and downs. But, with my wife’s help, we had always hugged it out with some understanding. Now, she plays on the high school team, which puts me on the sidelines – and I am okay with that.
During her second game, she was defending a girl, who I believe was a weak ball-handler.
“Get up on her!” I yell.
And that is when she looked at me, while playing defense, and held her hand in a way that represented open lips, and she pressed her fingertips together – closing the “lips”.
Yup, that is correct; she motioned for me to shut up — all without getting out of defensive position.
Son. Of. A. Bitch! She shushed me.
I was so shocked by this! I went through a gamut of emotions:
Just then, I turned and looked at my wife who was sitting next to me with a family friend – laughing. Not just any laugh; it was a full-out belly laugh. And then it hit me – I am no longer my daughter’s coach. It was time for my transformation from father/coach to father/mentor/fan.
I had once read the book, Changing the Game, which has a lot of useful information concerning the way parents can help and hurt their kids in youth sports. One thing I took away from the book is this question:
Do my actions reflect the values I want my child to embody.
Both on and off the court, I want my child to have the following:
- A love for the sport,
- A growth mindset,
- The ability to make mistakes,
- The ability to learn from mistakes,
- The ability to correct mistakes,
By her gesture, she was claiming her independence. She was ultimately doing everything I asked of her since she was in third grade — I cannot be mad at that. It is effortless to yell out and coach from the sideline. But that is just it; I am no longer on the sideline – I am in the audience, which brings up another thing that this book has taught me—the importance of saying to her the words:
I Love Watching You Play.
As a youth athlete, I remember nothing that I disliked more than the post-game report — especially after a loss. I did not get it from my parents but from the parents of my peers. They all thought that they were being helpful, but mentally, it was not. My parents? I believe that they knew that there were more pressing issues in the world than how much I scored or how much playing time I received. They left the improvement up to me. If I was going to be good at anything, it would be intrinsically motivated (but don’t get that confused with not caring).
So, what did I gain from this experience?
I should count my blessings that I have a healthy daughter who loves to play basketball at a high level. Before each game, I should review my goals for her this year. Realistically, the goals I have for her have very little to do with a specific sport but life lessons that she can use for the future.
Let’s Go, Afro!
This is a wonderful article and shows what a great job that you and Heather have done raising this smart, beautiful young woman. Also great that you realize that this transition has happened as so many parents never get it! Love that your daughter”shushed” you. Good job David, both with your writing and parenting.